Radishcat: The Rutabaga Agenda

I thought about it. Now that we have everyone, we have to do something big.
We have Kevin. He's harnessed the power of what he calls "Rutabaga Thunder". I think I'll add that on to the name of the group officially.
We have Mark. He can burst into flames any moment but has learned to control his powers.
We have Anthony. He's dead but we're looking into bringing him back to life. He can still walk around and everything so it should be fine.
We have Neph. Neph destroyed the gods in very strange complicated ways. I'm so confused about Neph that I'm not even 100% sure if he's actually done anything.
We have Chris. Chris is a devastating monster but since he'll just be playing guitar he should be alright.
Also, we have two new entries into the group: Dan MacDonald and Tom Brown. It's complicated to say why I think they might get involved and, well, we'll have to leave that for another story.
As of tomorrow, we'll broadcast our talents live across the internet for all to see Radishcat And The Rutabaga Thunder.

Mark barged into my apartment. He wanted in on the Radishcat group and didn't want any arguments. I was thrilled. Things really came together rather quickly. Now, the only thing left to decide is what to do with the group...

Anthony stopped by. He's in. He definitely wants to be part of Radishcat. No explanation given.
Guess that's all you can really expect to get from a dead guy.

Chris was so happy to be out of jail. We all knew it meant we would have to be running from the law for the rest of our lives but, in a lot of ways it was worth it. Chris came over to my place for a while after the prison break and expressed his extreme appreciation. He officially joined Radishcat. We have our musician.

I let everyone know my plan. We were good to go.
Anthony stumbled out of the room towards the guards. They opened fire on him but nothing would phase him. They had given up by the time he had reached them. They figured out that their firearms had no effect. However, they also realized that asides from being dead, Anthony wasn't much of a threat. They dragged him away into a nearby corridor. He was full of bullets by now and had lost his arm. They held him down as Anthony told them that we were all in the room, defenseless. That was all the men needed to rush in.
Their elite team of guards rushed in and raised their guns immediately. Kevin stood in the far corner at one of the consoles. Both hands on the screen. He was ordered to stand down but, Kevin simply gave them a cackle before allowing the surge to run through the room's equipment and blow it up completely. Not only should that have killed all of the men, but should also have disabled all of the prison's internal security systems. Luckily for us, Neph had crumbled the back wall with one of his hammer fists and the Mark, Neph, and myself were already navigating through the facility towards Chris. I hoped that Kevin and Anthony would be fine battling the guards by themselves.
Smashing through wall after wall, we finally found ourselves in the midst of one of the fiercest cell blocks there. What we hadn't realized was that with all the security down, the prisoners were now loose. We were surrounded. It was lucky for us that Mark had us covered. With a yell, Mark ran forward while bursting into flames. He began grabbing the criminals' heads, engulfing their faces with his palms and burning right through to the muscle. It was a brutal scene that sent all of the prisoners to jump him. Neph and I were free to continue on.
Trying not to look back, the two of us arrived at a small courtyard. A lonely cell sat covered in cement in the very center. It had it's own electronic security lock independent of the facility. It was no surprise that the label on the door read: CHRIS LANGILLE. We had no trouble with the locking mechanism. Neph pluged his hand through it and the door was unlocked. It just needed to be opened from the outside. A spotlight shot at us, glaring from a suddenly whirling sky. Helicopters were everywhere. Neph smirked and lept into the air. His silhouette disappeared into an explosion as the helicopter blades launched off into the distance.
It was up to me now. I pulled open the door without any more hesitation and hadn't gotten it open a crack when I was sent flying backwards. Chris was furiously enraged. He stepped out from his cell and charged through the facility without a second thought. Eye lasers blasting wildly and fists crushing anything that managed to escape the eye lasers, Chris left nothing but blood and destruction.
I knew it would be tough to keep up with him at the pace he was moving. I ran after him, frantically climbing over rubble and bodies. I was so worried I would lose him that I didn't even notice the guard to my right. He tackled me to the ground. I laid helpless. Staring up at him, the guard pointed his rifle at my face. "You idiot. Look what you've unleashed. Now all this will end." He seemed to take a sick pleasure in my squirming. I was done for. Everyone was off fighting with the prison and here I was: alone and defenseless.
The guard went down. With blindingly fast speed, the guard was tackled to the ground. I looked over at the two fighting each other. The mess of colors, the assortment of shapes. I could see a fist land into the guard's jaw. He was stunned. The aggressor pulled the spear from the holster on his back and glanced over at me. The ram head staring with cold, black eyes. It was the witch doctor. "Run child, this world needs a Radishcat and it be you to bring it forth!" I was not in a position to argue. I stumbled to my feet and ran as fast as I could, leaving the Witch Doctor who just saved my life to die by the hands of the guards.
I came to a halt outside the prison. Chaos ran thick. A group of guards hung from Chris' back as he blasted a small platoon with his laser eyes. He flexed and spikes jutted from his skin and stabbed through the hanging guards. He was winning. A flying guard droid swooped in over him but just as the barrels of it's guns began spinning a bolt knifed through the sky from a guard tower. The droid sparked and erupted, sending pieces of shrapnel clinging to everything. Kevin was watching our backs from the guard tower. Anthony had lost is temper completely and had resorted to using his agility to leap around as best he could while biting entire chunks of flesh out of our enemies.
A militant forced charged through the front gates. The reinforcements. I was doubtful we could handle the military itself. The captured Anthony without much trouble but as he struggled the soldiers were hit by surprise. Flaming bodies were being thrown. Mark wasn't going to let Anthony just die. Not again. Even if it had been him who killed Anthony the first time. Bodies struck Anthony and he lit up in flames. Mark and Anthony, now super soldiers engulfed in flames, began fighting the military in hand to hand combat. Kevin shot bolts of lightning booming into their vehicles. Chris was taking out entire squadrons with a glance. However, they were still too much for us. We were all trapped at the gates with no way to escape. We... were again surrounded. There was nobody who could save us.
Nobody except Neph.
Neph dropped from the sky. Holding them by the tails, Neph yielded a helicopter in each hand. He calmly marched forward, swatting men into the horizon. Not even the insane power he held could have protected from the rain of bullets that showered his body. First in the neck. Then the leg. Three times in the chest. Then everywhere else. All at once. Neph Mitchell... my beloved roommate... was dead in front of me. All of us were shocked and all five of us stood still. In a moment of silence broken only by the confused shouts of the soldiers. A spear landed in the midst of their battalion. A chuckle emerged from within. Then the rumble. A rumble so loud that I thought the entire planet was caving in on itself. A rumble so loud only devils could be shaking us all. A rumble as if volcanoes were stampeding across our battlefield. But no, not volcanoes, only buffalo. The huge herd of buffalo charged into the army. Right towards the spear. Dust and dirt cycloned and, for that brief moment, the soldiers were useless.
The witch doctor appeared. "Let's go, children! Time to escape!" And we ran for the woods. We stopped at the first clearing we came to. Neph was dead. We all saw it happen. Anthony and Mark consoled each other. Chris began to sob uncontrollably. Kevin began to curse wildly at the sky. And myself, I yelled. I yelled and yelled as if I hoped I would burst. The witch doctor, saw calmly, emotionless. Yet, within that ram head, I could feel his uncaring smile staring at me. I could feel his joyous celebration behind those black eyes. I could sense his satisfaction. "WHAT!?! WHAT IS IT!?!?!" I screamed. I was angry.
The witch doctor stood and simply said, "It's ok, my child." With that, he slipped off the ram head. It was fucking Neph. "See," Neph explained, very matter of fact, "I was the witch doctor the entire time. My plan worked perfectly." "WHAT!?!?!" I yelled in confusion, "Are you even SERIOUS!?!?!" Neph just smiled that wily grin. I just sighed. Mark and Anthony shook hands. Kevin continued to curse at the sky. Chris threw up a little.
With that, we all went home. A little closer to each other. A little closer to being a team. A little closer...
to Radishcat.

This is the scariest thing I've done yet. We're held up in the primary security office. We're surrounded by guards, robots, and high security traps. There doesn't seem to be a way out at all. Not this time.

We met in the designated spot not too far from the wall. Anthony and Mark almost lost it when they saw each other but I was able to jump between the two and remind them why they were there. There were spotlights hovering down from the guard towers and guards everywhere. The entire place was lit up. Guards walked around heavily armed while droids hummed through the air on patrol. We ran to the wall but knew we hadn't much time. Kevin lifted his arms into the air and a bolt of thunder darted through the sky exploding into the roof of the complex. Everything went dark. We didn't have long before the backup generators kicked in. Neph grabbed all of us and leaped over the wall without breaking a sweat. Commotion was all around and guards scrambled to get the power back online. Then we all realized: none of us really knew where to go ourselves. It was pitch black and nobody knew the exterior. A glow appeared close to the building. It was Mark, lighting himself up to guide us. He had found a door. We all rushed inside but it felt as though we hadn't yet accomplished a thing. We had to get somewhere safe. Just somewhere to regroup. We charged forward until the lights blasted on, swallowing us all. Two guards stood facing us, just as surprised as we were. We clearly didn't belong there and the guards raised their guns to us. We weren't planning on doing what they told us. We'd die before that. They opened fire but Anthony was there to dive in the way, taking all of their shots and acting as a human shield. His dead corpse body worked perfectly. We fled down a corridor and ducked into the first room we came across. This room. It's filled with monitors and looks to be intimidatingly technical.
Mark is guarding the door. He's got it barricaded and is ready for anything. Kevin is typing away at the equipment like mad. Electric currents buzzing off here and there while he goes. Anthony is sitting on the counter next to me picking bullets out of his torso. Neph is calmly sitting the corner meditating. Me, I've got the blueprints to this place sprawled out before me. It's up to me to come up with a plan. I've gotten us into this mess. Now it's up to me to get us out of it. Enough of this break. I've got a Chris to save.
Looks like there's only one route to Chris. We'll have to fight our way there.

I just finished talking with Neph. Tried to figure out more about that whole gods thing.
I mean come on, was I living with god the whole time while Neph was our supreme being or was there a switcheroo while I wasn't looking? I mean seriously, what the hell really happened?
Anyway, I figured Neph would be much happier knowing that he had such a huge effect on the universe but, nope, not good enough for Neph. He's still pissed. Apparently he thought The Mummy Returns was REALLY BAD. So he pretty much told me that he now knows that he needs to change the world. He thinks he can do that through Radishcat. Not only is he coming to help break Chris out of prison; he's also joining the improv group with Kevin and myself.
I've got everyone I need to do this thing now. Tomorrow the five of us will break Chris out of his high security prison.
Rock and roll.

I knew exactly where to find Kevin. I needed him for this. I went to the place he was first struck by lightning. It was a night similar to the one which found him in the hospital. I arrived at the hill, alone, and there he sat. Meditating on the hill. Right at the spot where he was struck. There was something different about him. Something... wise. He stood up when he saw me and before I could say a word he shot me a cold stare. "We're breaking Chris out of prison," he said with such a matter of fact tone that I had doubts it was even him, "The Rutabaga Thunder is mine... I know all."
"Oh," he added as he walked by me, "Consider me a member of Radishcat."

When I got into my apartment tonight, I found Anthony waiting for me. His entire body was rotting and festering. He looked like death. Probably mostly because he was, in fact, dead. Neither of us knew why he had risen from the dead but we agreed that it likely had a connection to Ghost Dad and that was enough for us.
He was miserable. He had nothing to live for and certainly nothing to be dead for. I wasn't sure how much help he could be, but I asked him to join us. He declined until I explained that it was Chris we were breaking out of jail. Anthony realized that his wanderings had no purpose as it stood so he might as well do something. He'll be coming with us to break Chris out of jail. I just don't know how Mark is going to get along with him now...

I couldn't just abandon Chris. Even if he was a hulking monster. But, he was in one of the most high tech and super secure facilities in the world. If I dared to do what I was planning to do, I'd need help.
Mark was not pleased to see me again. He didn't even want me coming into the apartment. "No," he replied firmly, "Nobody shall die in the name of improvisation again." "Mark, people have died because of you." "THEY HAVE," Mark shouted, filling the hall with his echoes, "BECAUSE I WAS DOING IMPROV!!!" "Listen, if you don't get your ability under control, more people will die whether improv is involved or not."
He stood silent. I had more to say.
"This is the best chance you're going to get to test yourself. To teach yourself. To finally use your powers for something good." Mark thought for a moment. "I suppose the guy WAS doing a good thing by destroying that trailer park... Alright. I'm in."

I went to visit Chris today. It was actually really good to see him. I told him about what had happened. He was thrilled that the gods had been destroyed. I'd never seen Chris so happy. He actually became instantly hopeful. He asked me to break him out of prison. Maybe it's the sense of empowerment due to the last few days. Maybe it's due to seeing him that happy. Maybe it's out of my own stupidity. But god damn it, I'm going to try to help him.

I've calmed down a bit. I saw the trailer park on the news tonight. The one that Chris destroyed. Apparently they've been doing countless amounts of illegal things. There were sacrifices and rapes and childhood pornography rings and all kinds of things that just plain are not good. Guess it was a good thing that Chris wrecked that place after all. Now all the people who lived there are going to be put away for life. Kind of makes me feel better about the whole thing. I should really go and visit Chris in prison. I never did get to thank him.
It's been a long few days though.
I think I should get some sleep.

What the HELL was that!?! I have no idea.
Ok, so here sums up my last couple of days. First off, it seriously felt like MONTHS at least. According to my calendar though it's only been just a couple of days. So Neph brings us to this witch doctor guy who gets us both pretty stoned (I think) and we pass out. This guy's little hut is out in the middle of nowhere. So when I wake up, we're in some crazy other dimension or something and we end up fighting a whole bunch of gods. I get turned into a rhino somehow and Neph's some kind of friggin' superman. So anyway, we get to the end boss and he's a copy of Neph. Neph gets poisoned and then this boss god guy who looks just like Neph tells me that he IS Neph and that the OTHER Neph was the imposter. Apparently he's been planning this for years and God finally fell for it and then I pass out and wake up in bed. So now I'm up and there's a bunch of friggin' posts by that creepy witch doctor guy on my LJ. I don't know if he was in my room with me or what but it's creeping the ba-jesus out of me. I went to see Neph. He's awake, seems fine. I asked him about it and he said it all really happened and that it was over. Past that he won't tell me shit. I don't know. I have to calm down. I'm going to go watch some tv or something. Seriously, WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!

Our two soldiers marched through the heavens. Many battles had taken place and many gods had faced their final moments. Neph had become quite good at destroying them and it became somewhat dull to watch. This is why I shall tell you of just his final quarrel.
He approached the nether that was known as God. The only one left. This God stayed calm and explained that he had created man in his image. Dave, still as a rhino, understood what was happening and understood to stay out of it as best he could. God simply stated that Neph, was no exception. God stepped out into sight. Not as a man of ultimate power. Not as a man of supreme grander. But as Neph, himself. Neph stood facing this exact copy of himself and a table materialized between the two. The two sat, table between, and God placed in front of him the holy grail. Dave trotted over to Neph and placed their goblet. Wine showered from above and filled both cups. The two stared and, coldly, the two drank. God laughed. He had poisoned Neph's wine. And simply, hopelessly, and utterly, Neph died.
Dave panicked. Neph was dead. They had lost. What would become of Dave? It all seemed too absurd for it to happen this quick. God walked toward Dave and told him all was well. That the gods had all been destroyed. Dave was horribly confused and frightened.
I brought them back. They have been resting. Dave has recently began to stir and so now, I retire.

The flames tell me more. The two have been quite busy. For us but a day has passed by. For these two, an eternity. They are through the gate and have many triumphs now at their heels. Still many obstacles at their fingertips.

Elegua
The two first came to a fork in the road. Laid out in front of them were 256 roads they could take. Elegua stood at the cross. With a half smile, this wretched, warrior creature towered over them both. Elegua waited for them to choose a path. Neph knew that but one of these roads lead to their destination. The others to death. Dave, however, had no idea and made a somewhat rash decision. He had not even noticed the multiple roads and, after so much trickery he had witnessed, assumed the roads had no relevance. Thus Dave walked straight ahead in between two roads. Elegua burst into a shrill scream and, along with the roads, he crumbled.

Horus
A pedestal sat in the distance. There, on the pedestal, sat a man. Bare and with long, ghastly nails. His head: the head of a great falcon. The two approached and he stood. Horus jolted towards the two, running at a speed neither had expected. Neph readied his weapon of cats (most still alive). Dave leaped out of the way to safety as Horus dove onto Neph. The two lay on the ground with Neph on the bottom and Horus reared his head to peck down onto his face. Neph grabbed him by the beak and kicked him into the sky. With no hesitation. Neph pulled himself up and began to spin his spear of cats, sending cat after cat slamming into the airborn god. The cats went wild. Covered completely in cats, Horus was dragged to the ground where he was mauled and eaten. Our two friends fled the scene while they could, Neph left with nothing but a battered spear.

Bishamon
Their surroundings were visible and yet abstract. All was completely undefinable. They reached a stout beared man armed with a spear and adorned with old, japanese armor. Bishamon told the two that they should not continue. That they were hopeless without his luck. That they could not kill him for he was invulnerable to harm. As if it was nothing, Neph took his spear, stabbed it through Bishamon, armor and all, and pinned him to the ground. Bishamon was helpless. Neph told him that they needed no luck.

Vishnu
A woman was next. Blue and with four arms. This was Vishnu. Neph would lose no time. He charged at her and the two began to go punch for punch. Through counters and blocks the two kept up with each other. Neph began to slow. She had too many arms to keep up with. She was able to deliver a final kick sending our hero onto his back. Raising all of her arms and folding her hands together, she came down with one hammerfist onto Neph that would have killed him. If it wasn't for Dave. Dave jumped onto her back and she immediately lost her balance. Plucking him off, Vishnu ripped Dave completely in half, his corpse tumbling to the ground in front of her. Neph was shocked, staring at Dave's dead pieces. A roar wrenched from his lungs and he stood. He walked forward, grabbed her hands, and pulled two of her arms off of her body. She squealed in pain while he stabbed her through the chest with her own arms. She dropped to the ground as Dave did. Neph had lost a comrade and a dear companion. He would mourn the loss of his friend. But where had the body gone? Neph did not realize that due to Vishnu's assault, Dave had been reincarnated as a rhino. Stepping up and picking up the goblet in his mouth, Rhino Dave silently followed Neph who finally understood.

Jormungand/Thor
Two beings waited for them. The humongous snake, Jormungand, and the mighty warrior of thunder, Thor. The battle began in an instant. Thor, with hammer in hand, marched directly towards Neph. Jormungand snapped and shot forward at Dave. The rhino slammed onto his side when the snake's face ploughed into him. Thor swung. Neph caught his forearm with both hands, barely holding back Thor's strength. Jormungand had Dave struggling in his coiled grasp now. With enormous force, Neph hurled Thor at Jormungand and the strike was just enough to knock Dave loose. Thor got back up, raised his hammer into the air, and began to chant while the sky lit up. Neph was not about to be stopped. He picked Rhino Dave up with one arm and launched him at the two. Dave barreled through Thor who tumbled down just as the sky shot a bright bolt down onto him. Jormungand writhed in pain and dropped onto Thor. Dave barely crawled out alive. The two gods were dead.

The two continue their quest. They have been forever climbing the stairs before them and have already made great strides in their progress. Dave trotted slowly behind Neph. Neph still burned with the desire he had to overcome all obstacles in his way. Dave was losing speed and he was losing it quickly. They were not at all prepared... for the attack.
It began with the cats. Hundreds, perhaps even thousands of house cats screeching down the stairs. Neph cursed the Egyptians and reached back towards Dave. Placing the spear and branch in Neph's hands, Dave cowered. Neph started to skewer cat after cat. Throwing cats onto the spear using the branch and then beating aside any in his way. The branch cracked and Neph tossed it aside. He needed it no more for his spear was entirely covered in cats. More still raced towards the two. Twirling his cat spear, all of the nails of the cats began to dig into other cats until rows and rows of cats were all hooked together. Neph had an unstoppable weapon: a cat shield. The cats had stopped. The shrills echoed off behind them down the stairs but it was not safety that overcame them, it was foreboding.
Jesus and Ghandi were both taken out quickly by Neph and his skills. Any worshipper that lunged at him was dismissed with ease. Dave did well at staying out of the way and the two continued to the top where they reached an enormous, golden gate. The gate to the heavens. Dave was ready to give up but Neph was much too determined. He placed the sacred ram head on his fist and with a single follow through heaved his fist into the lock. This intricate golden shrine shattered to dust. They have reached their destination.
The fight is to begin.

Greetings children. I have used the herbs and the relics of the ancients to ensnare two lonely wanderers in a quest. A quest for glory and righteousness. A quest to free the humans. My fire burns bright with the images of the two hunters, though my tribe has scattered in fear. The minds of our friends have been released by my sacred flames. Their souls released by their own desires. Their bodies released by the gods themselves. They truly are stepping into a realm that most will never see.
The one you call Neph storms ahead, seeking out the worshipped and graced. The one you call Dave follows close behind carrying the tools given by my people. A spear crafted by my elders, the skull of the great ram, a branch from the tree of Odin, and a goblet passed to us from a tribe long lost. The journey has been a great one for them and still they have taken but a step. They have learned much quicker than I had expected. The two had thought they had begun their journey on the slope of a mountain and thought it best to climb upwards. It did not occur to them that they had been, in fact, climbing downwards from a stone suspended in the air above a river. It came as such a surprise to them both when the river rose and viciously carried the two off path and into a murky, black, bog of a creature which some call limbo, and all call hell. "Nightmarish." "Terrifying." "Hopeless." These were all words Dave used to describe their surroundings which clenched their soul like a beaten dog. The sky swirled in a series of black layers. The sludge in which they pushed through crept up their clothes and into their hearts. The horizon went on forever but still ended just a few toes in front of them. Dave could no longer take it. He let go.
Dave slipped into the swamp and through tunnels and tunnels of murders and treachery. He was filled with the deaths of heroes and the decay of war. It molested his skin with an icy touch paired with a sharp grin. Young Neph had been ready for this. Grabbing Dave's hand, this wise one pulled him to safety. Not out of the sludge, but through it. Dave fell to his knees and felt himself gag on the toxic swells leaving his lungs. The floor was cold and black. Stone? The two stood in a maze of catacombs lined with blood and bodies and unwilling sacrifice. Dave was ready to collapse into fear but his shoulder was grasped firmly by Neph and the two continued on. I was a bit taken myself when the two reached the stone stairs. Reaching up forever and shaped of relics and artifacts. Cradled by the holy. Built by the forsaken. Stairs that could only lead to the gods themselves.

To anyone who's ever cared about me,
My name is Dave Aucoin. My roommate Neph set off on a journey this morning and I foolishly decided to go with him. I now find myself in a desert with Neph and a witch doctor who claims he can give us passage to the gods themselves. Neph's mission: to kill them. I'm confused and terrified right now but I can't let Neph go alone. I'm leaving this blog to the witch doctor who says he can monitor our progress from this realm. I love you all.

I had already been pretty shaken up over the Anthony thing. Is he alive? Was he ever dead at all? I have no idea. I was so confused.
I couldn't afford to sit around and ponder, though, since Kevin was still in the coma. I went to the hospital to stay with him and hadn't been with him for very long.
He woke up. That's right! Today Kevin awoke from his coma. Excuse me for not sounding more excited but I assure you there is a good reason. See, he opened his eyes and looked at me. I was so happy and surprised to see him awake that I was standing over him in a second. "Kevin!?! Are you alright???" He laid there staring at me, "I am not alright. I am much more powerful than alright." I was tremendously confused but figured that maybe he was in shock from what had happened. "I have it." "You have what?" I questioned. "The rutabaga thunder. I have it," he looked at me with a cold sort of confidence. "Kevin... are you sure you are ok?" "No," he snapped, "For I don't actually have it... it has me." He leaped up from the bed and in one smooth motion he dove out the window. I ran to his exit to see if he was ok and my eyes caught him in the distance, running off with only his hospital gown, alone and confused.

Anthony's grave swelled. I stood over trying to understand what could be making it bulge like it was. I stood examining it. Paced around it as the earth curled and crumbled.
From the grave, a hand burst through the dirt. Slowly and almost painfully, Anthony pulled himself out of the ground. He looked awful. Scarred, dirty, and disfigured. He was clearly surprised himself. He looked down at himself and then quickly up at me. "STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Anthony turned to lumber off into the woods while I stared in disbelief.